dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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