Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Dignity is for republicans.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?