Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.