Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Drunk is not a location!
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