The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
