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That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
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