He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole