dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
