He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
a search helicopter?!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store