i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
areolas are like halos for boobs.