K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"