dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
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according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
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I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I deserve this hangover.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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