had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
