I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
