Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.