my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.