I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
