Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
