The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you