I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
