dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
