smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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