Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
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While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up