I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
