Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Porn is love you can see.