I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
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That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.