Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
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when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.