I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?