did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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