I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
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this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Acid is not a monday night drug
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?