She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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