gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous