You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.