According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.