So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How drunk are you??
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
why didn't you poke me back
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.