Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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