just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?