Texts From Last Night

Arnold's Favorites Texts:

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  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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  (208): I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table http://tfl.nu/g7sx
  Replies (15) Good night (3577) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

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  (845): Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup.. http://tfl.nu/wofn
  Replies (11) Good night (815) Bad night (2920) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...

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  (407): i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina... http://tfl.nu/9yjk
  Replies (15) Good night (2598) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower

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  (513): it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower http://tfl.nu/mfse
  Replies (11) Good night (3828) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  shes about as inviting as chlamydia

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  (778): shes about as inviting as chlamydia http://tfl.nu/iikb
  Replies (2) Good night (394) Bad night (3026) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
  Replies (39) Good night (5262) Bad night (422)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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  (330): Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome. http://tfl.nu/sdp2
  Replies (8) Good night (4951) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm glad girls dont get visible erections

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  But, it would have made life so much easier...

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  (857): I'm glad girls dont get visible erections (617 ): But, it would have made life so much easier... http://tfl.nu/zuky
  Replies (27) Good night (3173) Bad night (387)
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  (631): View more from New York

  Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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  (631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life. http://tfl.nu/pg4a
  Replies (2) Good night (572) Bad night (2635) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.

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  (508): she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her. http://tfl.nu/2xab
  Replies (50) Good night (551) Bad night (3224) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
  Replies (178) Good night (89857) Bad night (3912)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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  (765): let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment. http://tfl.nu/novi
  Replies (17) Good night (6722) Bad night (697)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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  (406): we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting. http://tfl.nu/a3qg
  Replies (16) Good night (2574) Bad night (1870) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  i miss you so much

  (858): View more from California

  i miss you too

  (858): View more from California

  oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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  (619): i miss you so much (858): i miss you too (858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me http://tfl.nu/932e
  Replies (16) Good night (2194) Bad night (465)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
  Replies (38) Good night (7954) Bad night (784) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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  (586): the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable http://tfl.nu/6hw3
  Replies (32) Good night (748) Bad night (1483) Order T-Shirt
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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  (+49): Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face http://tfl.nu/4iya
  Replies (26) Good night (10802) Bad night (1301) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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  (760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart (508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work http://tfl.nu/sac2
  Replies (15) Good night (6980) Bad night (494)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...

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  (864): If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late... http://tfl.nu/m8kg
  Replies (2) Good night (1416) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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  (803): You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo http://tfl.nu/7wt5
  Replies (35) Good night (3750) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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  (201): there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen http://tfl.nu/0xt9
  Replies (17) Good night (5207) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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  (217): I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats http://tfl.nu/84a1
  Replies (14) Good night (1661) Bad night (2449) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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  (678): He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again. http://tfl.nu/ehlu
  Replies (20) Good night (5827) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

  (713): View more from Texas

  When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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  (979): You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands (713): When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things http://tfl.nu/2j2p
  Replies (28) Good night (5095) Bad night (605)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (81) Good night (31286) Bad night (994)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (292) Good night (69179) Bad night (1982) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
  Replies (25) Good night (6765) Bad night (1065) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.

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  (217): i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood. http://tfl.nu/a0o1
  Replies (35) Good night (4844) Bad night (1371) Order T-Shirt
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  (661): View more from California

  He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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  (661): He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina. http://tfl.nu/ay3j
  Replies (22) Good night (7210) Bad night (709) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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  (931): drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/1e3m
  Replies (27) Good night (6054) Bad night (970) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
  Replies (60) Good night (17734) Bad night (1395)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

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  (712): I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well. http://tfl.nu/yae3
  Replies (2) Good night (1807) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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  (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q
  Replies (24) Good night (9985) Bad night (944) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

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  (910): the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine... http://tfl.nu/onh4
  Replies (126) Good night (5017) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw

  (281): View more from Texas

  I love Texas.

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  (832): Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw (281): I love Texas. http://tfl.nu/eppv
  Replies (48) Good night (3693) Bad night (301)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You might as well just give her the money now.

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  (814): Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it. (610): You might as well just give her the money now. http://tfl.nu/i76w
  Replies (72) Good night (3680) Bad night (1207)
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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  (585): Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either. http://tfl.nu/3i4x
  Replies (12) Good night (7435) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.

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  (202): Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic. http://tfl.nu/byt1
  Replies (9) Good night (1036) Bad night (3718) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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  (609): There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled http://tfl.nu/cbhx
  Replies (8) Good night (4914) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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  (858): There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate. http://tfl.nu/dn5m
  Replies (24) Good night (7179) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

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  (713): counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet. http://tfl.nu/nzku
  Replies (16) Good night (4639) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.

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  (818): don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily. http://tfl.nu/2c0y
  Replies (24) Good night (3263) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?

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  (617): This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off? http://tfl.nu/xunp
  Replies (10) Good night (449) Bad night (2472)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.

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  (484): I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today. http://tfl.nu/rr17
  Replies (18) Good night (4227) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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  (419): vegan vag taste different. and not a good different http://tfl.nu/aqb4
  Replies (133) Good night (846) Bad night (8193) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
  Replies (68) Good night (37819) Bad night (1246) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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  (717): this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation http://tfl.nu/knkc
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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  (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. http://tfl.nu/ynb7
  Replies (121) Good night (3225) Bad night (60396) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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  (425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars. http://tfl.nu/v0mr
  Replies (29) Good night (743) Bad night (2698)
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  (607): View more from New York

  New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics

  (1-607): View more from New York

  That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder

  (1-607): View more from New York

  Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?

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  (607): New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics (1-607): That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder (1-607): Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in? http://tfl.nu/6ryu
  Replies (25) Good night (4897) Bad night (353)
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  (585): View more from New York

  she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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  (585): she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over http://tfl.nu/tk3t
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Best friends brother. Beat that.

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  (308): Best friends brother. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/zx73
  Replies (91) Good night (6006) Bad night (1113) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

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  (952): I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic http://tfl.nu/w8wo
  Replies (18) Good night (5131) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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  (716): Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?! http://tfl.nu/vv8e
  Replies (26) Good night (11869) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?

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  (650): Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls? http://tfl.nu/pg74
  Replies (9) Good night (376) Bad night (1154) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.

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  (412): I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes. http://tfl.nu/yyns
  Replies (107) Good night (3001) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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  (856): i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong http://tfl.nu/5qbx
  Replies (15) Good night (6081) Bad night (1149)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

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  (330): He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius. http://tfl.nu/c6ym
  Replies (36) Good night (7604) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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  (214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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  (804): you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning http://tfl.nu/f3jq
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.

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  (201): you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time. http://tfl.nu/39ft
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.

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  (330): May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad. http://tfl.nu/9tjq
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

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  (563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing http://tfl.nu/bqtp
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.

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  (301): Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background. http://tfl.nu/pa5j
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

  (360): View more from Washington

  You're getting good at this, you know that?

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  (206): Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number. (360): You're getting good at this, you know that? http://tfl.nu/w185
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?

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  (217): Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina? http://tfl.nu/iipt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent

  (770): View more from Georgia

  don't you ever do that...

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  (404): i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent (770): don't you ever do that... http://tfl.nu/61yw
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.

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  (248): I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out. http://tfl.nu/085c
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.

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  (205): just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate. http://tfl.nu/3189
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  (917): View more from New York City

  giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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  (917): giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong? http://tfl.nu/9q3v
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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  (630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm
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