just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.