I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We got so high we made milksteak
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride