Texts From Last Night

weatherford's Favorites Texts:

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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"

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  (910): I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!" http://tfl.nu/ji9a
  Replies (2) Good night (596) Bad night (114) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i think i might be a female sloth

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  (617): female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away (781): i think i might be a female sloth http://tfl.nu/d8fr
  Replies (5) Good night (1296) Bad night (93)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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  (912): Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles. (404): STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!! http://tfl.nu/hvx1
  Replies (18) Good night (2696) Bad night (358)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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  (513): Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth. http://tfl.nu/s6hy
  Replies (5) Good night (1451) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment

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  (919): Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment http://tfl.nu/lt3a
  Replies (4) Good night (1226) Bad night (169) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!

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  (907): I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st! http://tfl.nu/87p8
  Replies (2) Good night (466) Bad night (158) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

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  (412): Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it. http://tfl.nu/10d1
  Replies (6) Good night (880) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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  (202): There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1. http://tfl.nu/62gt
  Replies (8) Good night (428) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.

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  (514): i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag. http://tfl.nu/q8nn
  Replies (9) Good night (717) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.

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  (614): Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/2wq9
  Replies (7) Good night (597) Bad night (201) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.

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  (386): I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters. http://tfl.nu/2e4j
  Replies (7) Good night (792) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"

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  (608): I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better" http://tfl.nu/176v
  Replies (9) Good night (1198) Bad night (293) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.

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  (202): I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school. http://tfl.nu/85a4
  Replies (7) Good night (1614) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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  (570): After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother. (1-570): Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off. http://tfl.nu/5ewz
  Replies (6) Good night (1707) Bad night (327)
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
  Replies (21) Good night (4578) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (85) Good night (3271) Bad night (39389) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome

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  (303): I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome http://tfl.nu/ctsa
  Replies (4) Good night (1259) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth

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  (402): Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth http://tfl.nu/4hkn
  Replies (16) Good night (579) Bad night (3209) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Nope that was a dude

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  (651): Alls I remember is making out with that chick. (612): Nope that was a dude http://tfl.nu/9vd8
  Replies (16) Good night (998) Bad night (2225)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.

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  (215): I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets. http://tfl.nu/wd0k
  Replies (11) Good night (1441) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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  (506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend http://tfl.nu/ehpb
  Replies (13) Good night (4397) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

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  (305): Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now" http://tfl.nu/z261
  Replies (6) Good night (1949) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  Again?

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  (309): He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass. (1-309): Again? http://tfl.nu/q9t8
  Replies (8) Good night (532) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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  (919): When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs. http://tfl.nu/7b1r
  Replies (6) Good night (1387) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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  (617): she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something. http://tfl.nu/1xv3
  Replies (17) Good night (848) Bad night (3354) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.

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  (586): Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband. http://tfl.nu/u4p0
  Replies (3) Good night (3017) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
  Replies (11) Good night (3464) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again

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  (714): I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again http://tfl.nu/ze4i
  Replies (5) Good night (420) Bad night (1581) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away

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  (585): Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away http://tfl.nu/gctj
  Replies (18) Good night (1561) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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  (202): Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up? http://tfl.nu/celn
  Replies (2) Good night (2086) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.

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  (226): I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules. http://tfl.nu/1b9q
  Replies (3) Good night (957) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

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  (231): Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted. http://tfl.nu/tphx
  Replies (29) Good night (1032) Bad night (3639) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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  (402): Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right. http://tfl.nu/g2lt
  Replies (20) Good night (4424) Bad night (720)
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  (516): View more from New York

  i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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  (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks. http://tfl.nu/yuy7
  Replies (12) Good night (1568) Bad night (4416) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

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  (+61): I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god. http://tfl.nu/eynz
  Replies (19) Good night (955) Bad night (6580) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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  (905): They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend. http://tfl.nu/j59u
  Replies (4) Good night (1847) Bad night (2867) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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  (865): Now go wash the fat girl off your hands. http://tfl.nu/sym9
  Replies (17) Good night (986) Bad night (4162) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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  (253): Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style. http://tfl.nu/lnre
  Replies (30) Good night (10660) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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  (315): It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!" http://tfl.nu/cmoy
  Replies (23) Good night (4605) Bad night (1757) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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  (510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/2xfe
  Replies (34) Good night (1632) Bad night (9700) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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  (305): look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no. http://tfl.nu/new9
  Replies (23) Good night (1403) Bad night (3752) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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  (254): His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!! http://tfl.nu/05kd
  Replies (15) Good night (4718) Bad night (1561) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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  (253): I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex. http://tfl.nu/rq63
  Replies (11) Good night (3989) Bad night (1385) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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  (847): Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago" http://tfl.nu/h89t
  Replies (46) Good night (1982) Bad night (7768)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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  (253): Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/6zni
  Replies (28) Good night (1725) Bad night (5278) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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  (609): I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila." http://tfl.nu/how1
  Replies (25) Good night (5279) Bad night (2309) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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  (248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711
  Replies (33) Good night (8622) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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  (313): The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two. http://tfl.nu/ya0u
  Replies (31) Good night (6519) Bad night (1041) Order T-Shirt
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

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  (289): he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went http://tfl.nu/wqc9
  Replies (35) Good night (875) Bad night (8310) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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  (518): I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often. http://tfl.nu/3lpk
  Replies (40) Good night (5640) Bad night (1658) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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  (816): It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea http://tfl.nu/zoej
  Replies (60) Good night (3057) Bad night (8388) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
  Replies (41) Good night (13584) Bad night (1310) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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  (765): I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/m09q
  Replies (25) Good night (3939) Bad night (2485) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  morning after pill = breakfast in bed

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  (978): morning after pill = breakfast in bed http://tfl.nu/l1az
  Replies (22) Good night (1211) Bad night (3781) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
  Replies (50) Good night (12713) Bad night (1029)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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  (317): I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me. http://tfl.nu/s4ft
  Replies (36) Good night (6970) Bad night (1352) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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  (978): went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed http://tfl.nu/x5dq
  Replies (53) Good night (11300) Bad night (1241) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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  (281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9
  Replies (32) Good night (10873) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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  (914): It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle. http://tfl.nu/tr9x
  Replies (38) Good night (3141) Bad night (6677) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
  Replies (70) Good night (13018) Bad night (5281)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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  (405): I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth.. http://tfl.nu/0ol0
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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  (630): Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze. http://tfl.nu/d5vp
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.

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  (202): I want to give you a handjob with my mouth. http://tfl.nu/s0yv
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano

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  (210): I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano http://tfl.nu/qhs9
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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  (724): Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways. http://tfl.nu/hzks
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