I would go down on you faster than GM stock
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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