Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
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Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers