sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
we have pet lesbian snakes
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class