Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar