I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
