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Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
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