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you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
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