He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.