The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.