remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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