And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.