They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
