Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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