Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down