I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.