Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Some milfs here doing some blow
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you guys were way drunker than both of me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?